it’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything
these words are so true. I remember feeling this way some years ago. before the movie came out. before the book was written. when i was young and sad and people asked if i would ever consider killing myself. and i always thought, if things ever got so bad i wanted to give up, i would spend my last day doing whatever the fuck i wanted. the things i always wanted to do. and at the end of the day i would realize life ain’t so shitty. and i probably wouldn’t want to kill myself anymore. so no, i would never kill myself. but at the same time, it would be hard to have that perfect day until i felt like i really wanted to die. unless i felt like i had lost everything. thats why this quote always stuck with me.
because one day 7 years ago it happened. i lost all hope and i wanted to die. someone told me something and i realized nothing mattered, the world was not right, and my life would never be what it should be. the universe had created an impossibility and planted me in the middle. so i decided i didnt want to live anymore. i drove home drunk and blind with tears, beat the shit out of a tree, broke a couple fingers. and eventually fell asleep.
when i woke up, nothing mattered. i had lost everything. and so i was free to do anything. it was the craziest feeling. the world was a tiny little chess piece that i could play with. i was infinitely powerful. I booked a flight the same day, (i had a deathly fear of flying for 15 years), i quit my dead end job, i broke up with the girl i was seeing (it was going nowhere but i couldnt admit until then) i got two tattoos, and i lost every fear i ever had. all in one day.
the story continues but this is enough rambling for at least a week.
ps i am writing this at nearly 6 a.m. after being up all night.
(Source: ricklegal)
